[kook-ing]

What better resource to find the definition of cooking than the Urban Dictionary?
I know how I define cooking but lets explore some of the definitions that have NOTHING to do with nourishing a family.


#1

 #1 - I wanna see this dance.  I assume this is different than "Stirring the Pot"

#2 - What I feel like G Dub will say one day after accidentally drinking a fifth of Jack and donning a white wife beater tank top

 #3 - What I feel like I want to do sometimes

 #4 - What I used to DO back in the day

#5 - What I used to BE back in the day


 Then there is this thing that I haven't yet been able to pronounce.  I'm afraid if I said it not all the syllables would come out and I would get accused of trying to be hip and cool when I am clearly not.  Whoever submitted this can't cook either if they are using it for Hamburger Helper.

Don't judge - EAT IT!

Condiment or Condemnants

Don't diss the condiments.

What a complex and thought provoking issue!  Are dips a condiment or vice versa?  They all seem to be a sauce of some sort that add to the pleasure of whatever you are eating.  Is peanut butter a condiment?  Hummus? I've dipped in these AND had them as full meals so what are they exactly? 

They are....... a food group.

I think it might take a degree in Philosophy to argue that but whatever they are....they rock!  Dips or condiments are the spice of life to some of the tasteless veggies and an awesome cover up for some of the most vicious tasting dishes.  Ever seen a family member cover spaghetti noodles in ketchup? I have and after I stopped laughing on the inside I realized that it wasn't pretty. 

Potatoes are destined to be a part of the dip/condiment food group. They beg to be dipped.   Does anyone even know what a potato tastes like without something on it?  I've seen salsa, BBQ sauce, mustard, mayo, hummus, ketchup, malt vinegar, hmmm, what else?  I know these because I've done it.  I never eat a potato with enhancement.  And why should I?  There are too many flavors that lend themselves to be in the potato repertoire.

I can eat rice every day with a different dip and it's like a whole 'nuther meal that you never get tired of

Some people are mayo lovers, mayo haters...ah, the Mayo Hater.  I have a friend, Dan, that girl screams when a mayo bottle appears.  "It's the bastard condiment!"  My spiteful side wants to chase him around with it but I let it go to sit and dip french fries in it.  I learned that while working at Wendy's in high school. And that was the mayo that is so greasy it discolors the cup. Perfection. Heaven.

So whatever your flavor, dip or condiment.... EAT IT!

And then there were 4

I'm trying to keep this from being a mom blog.  This is a cooking blog, this is a cooking blog, this is a cooking blog.

But these topics go mano a mano and separating them is like splitting up peanut butter and jelly or Captain and Tennille.  You can't have Captain without Tennille! Otherwise, you'd just have some creepy dude in a white turtleneck allowed to run free.  Gosh, don't they look happy? They were the sweet side of the 70's sound.

But that just ain't me.
I piss and moan, I clean a little less than that and I cook even less than THAT but when I do, by god, it's memorable.  Or not. As I've said before I can dip into a cooking rut like a muskrat lookin' for his 'fraidy hole.
If you live in Missouri, you know what a 'fraidy hole is. Sorry for the vague, or somewhat vulgar sounding, reference to a tornado hidey hole.

Cooking just sucks.  I do it because I have to.  I try to love it.  I promise I've tried but it's work.  When I see a beautiful assortment of God's bounty at the produce stand or organic farm stand I groan with the amount of work that goes into cleaning, cutting, preparing, storing, god forbid CANNING, veggies.  I want a sous chef.  Like any of those fools on FoodTV would cook without a knife wielding genius off camera cutting all their stuff.

My favorite ingredient right now are tortillas.  Holy Robin's Too Tight Tights, those things are so versitle, verstile?, versital? oh...anything can go in 'em!  I've folded them, wrapped them, fried, them, baked them and woe to my poor family for enduring another recipe from 101 Things to Do With a Tortilla.  I wouldn't even call it a recipe more like an idea that I had to make my own.  With cheese. Gotta have cheese.

I don't even take pictures of these things.  They are like the color beige.  Just - too - boring.

BUT now there are 4 of us to feed.  My job just got harder.
Baby food is easy though.  The little chunkers eat about anything and if they don't just dive into the emergency stash of jarred wonders and all is saved! yeah SUPER MOM! For everyone else though it's just not that easy.  Although it should be.

The lure of the Hamburger

First of all, Hankaroosky has an addiction for fast food. I will lay the blame for that right at Daddy's feet.  I throw my hands up on that one and bow deeply.  I dropped an F-bomb the other night when it was mentioned that another Sonic grilled cheese went into Hankaroosky's gullet. Grrrrrr.  When I put forth this much effort on something that I hate to do I better not be thwarted right under my nose.

ok ok so Sonic may not be all that bad - it's white bread and gov't cheese. But still; I have a produce bowl full of great fruits and veggies that gets snarled at because of the lure of the Hamburger. And it's infuriating.

Not to mention the Food Pyramid.  Like I give a crap about it but we have to have something to go on... and adulterate.

There. That's better.

 So this is the Haphazard Cook's struggles.  Cook nice. Be nice. Feed family nice even if they dislike you for it.

Dude.  It's only food. NOW EAT IT!