Pork with Black Apple Rings

So this eating thing. I'm still a bad cook and subject my family to it with glee. The preface "It tastes better than it looks" raises eyebrows and makes me giggle a little inside.  It's a delight to know I'll never be asked to bring food to a potluck.  Yeah ONE LESS THING TO DO IN LIFE!
If it's required will I put forth the effort and like other posts here I take what I like since I'll be bring 95% of it home. WIN!

But here is one where this logic backfired on me.  And I'm so bummed that I don't have pics because it was a fail as usual.
A friend had knee surgery and helping out with meals was a treat...until I signed up.  And dammit dammit dammit I try new recipes when I have to take it to another person.
I have to back up and talk about my crock pot.  Last time I cooked in it I was met at the door from a hard hard day of labor to the smell of rotten food.  Hot rotten food.  Dear GOD? What?!
I lifted the lid fully expecting a compost pile but found nicely simmering chicken something or other.
G Dub could hardly get past the smell to eat it but I threatened the starving kids in China bit and a banshee scream about wastefulness - then we opened a window, went outside to the patio with a full bowl of chicken something or other.

I scrubbed the shit out of that crock pot being too cheap to buy another.  I took the thing apart to scrub it, cooked again and Damn if AGAIN I made a veggie dump in the kitchen.  Whatever, $30 later I'm armed with a clean vessel.

Back to my friend though, I had pork roast, I had a clean cooking vessel, I had a day to make it.
Pork and dried fruit basted with apple juice and cinnamon. Put it in, cook on low all day. Could I screw this up? Yes.

My ADD brain has to work all day to remember to take the food somewhere when I get home, I spend all day congratulating myself for getting my shit together and even having a transport foil bin to take it and look like I know what the hell I'm doing - Yeah me! I'm awesome!
I get home and that fucking crock pot has burned the fruit, all the liquid is gone, bottom of the roast is BLACK.  I'm not talking caramelization I mean black burned. BLACK BURNED!? My panic is mentally taking me to Sonic for chicken tenders while my rational mind works out how to fix this. Fast.

Pick out the fruit, try to find ones that ones look ok, scrape the roast, taste.....hmmmm, salvageable. Shit.  Roast corn on the cob, throw in rolls and off I go.  I deliver this with trepidation and preface my leaving with " Oh, by the way, it's burned all to shit"

All this to say that I got a thank you note a few weeks later with " OMG that was the best pork roast we've ever had!  Please give me the recipe!"
Well, I mentioned the slight caramelization in my reply. Hope it helped her get the great results she expects.
I wish I had taken pics

Just eat. If you love me, just eat.

Cinnamon Sugar Turds

By trade, I'm a scientist.  I like to experiment.  A recipe is nothing but a glorified science protocol - add this and when, do this, then Boom!  Result.  I hope my cooking is not a reflection of my scientific prowess and discounts my publications.  Hopefully, I take one of these more serious than the other.

I have two Wildling Boys.  And they are young; like, young enough to believe when I tell them that the wine is my cup is toxic waste and not to touch it.  But I do want them to be better than me in the kitchen so I make up experiments for them with big bowls of water to stir around:
   What if you put in some cheerios?
   What about some potato chips? Can you still eat them?  Then watch when they try :)
   Stir it real fast - what happens to the stuff in there?
   What if you use a ladle?
   Go get a mop.

My own personal experiments go a little more awry.  Because it is made with the intention of eating it. This time I didn't realize I was cooking to help fill the trash bin.

Publix has pre made pizza dough in bags that theoretically should be used for pizza but, honestly, I can't get over this love of stuffing things into bread and baking it.  Hotdogs, fruit, cheese, I make "Whatever in a Blanket" a lot since I am always looking for something small and portable for my kids to eat. And I have to meet a school requirement of protein and carbs for their lunches - I would be tired of bread slices 2 years into attendance, wouldn't you?

Normally, I use biscuits but here I go again getting creative when really I should leave that in more capable hands.  Like my 5 year old's.

I thought about breadsticks.  You know, like churros.  I love them! So light and sugary! Portable! What I found was that pizza dough does not stretch out and stay out.  It snaps back like a Stretch Armstrong leg.  I even turned the oven to a different temperature -  425 degrees-  because when I looked at Foodtv.com that is what it looked like calzones were cooked at.  Explain that logic....

And since I didn't want them to be dry, I melted some butter to brush on them.  Remembering that my kids have been using my silicon pastry brush for a paint brush and pulling off the bristles I realize I would have better luck with a palm frond if I could even find the thing so I just use my hands.
Picking up a turd sized piece of dough dangling like a dead fish and slathering butter on it felt as vile as it sounds.  Ever touched a cow teat with butter on it? Urp retch!  Then roll it in sugar/cinnamon.  You can't sweeten that image. Ever.  I tried to stretch it out, it snapped back, I wrangled it now it's greasy, grainy, wrinkly, fleshy and utterly gross looking on a fabulous Pampered Chef pizza stone.  The best tools can't make up for lack of technique.

I baked it anyway.

I wasn't real sure how big these things would cook up to be.  But when I thought about it, pizzas don't rise much so it's not likely they will poof up and fill the oven.  No.  They stayed the same turd size and got brown.  Real brown.  That butter I thought would keep them from being dry only petrified them. They were like mini baseball bats.  I can imagine the conversation at the dentist " Yes, it was on a homemade breadstick.  Would you just fix the damn tooth?"

They all went in the trash after staring at them on the counter for 4 hours.  I had to let the sweet turds go.

No, no don't EAT IT!

[kook-ing]

What better resource to find the definition of cooking than the Urban Dictionary?
I know how I define cooking but lets explore some of the definitions that have NOTHING to do with nourishing a family.


#1

 #1 - I wanna see this dance.  I assume this is different than "Stirring the Pot"

#2 - What I feel like G Dub will say one day after accidentally drinking a fifth of Jack and donning a white wife beater tank top

 #3 - What I feel like I want to do sometimes

 #4 - What I used to DO back in the day

#5 - What I used to BE back in the day


 Then there is this thing that I haven't yet been able to pronounce.  I'm afraid if I said it not all the syllables would come out and I would get accused of trying to be hip and cool when I am clearly not.  Whoever submitted this can't cook either if they are using it for Hamburger Helper.

Don't judge - EAT IT!

Condiment or Condemnants

Don't diss the condiments.

What a complex and thought provoking issue!  Are dips a condiment or vice versa?  They all seem to be a sauce of some sort that add to the pleasure of whatever you are eating.  Is peanut butter a condiment?  Hummus? I've dipped in these AND had them as full meals so what are they exactly? 

They are....... a food group.

I think it might take a degree in Philosophy to argue that but whatever they are....they rock!  Dips or condiments are the spice of life to some of the tasteless veggies and an awesome cover up for some of the most vicious tasting dishes.  Ever seen a family member cover spaghetti noodles in ketchup? I have and after I stopped laughing on the inside I realized that it wasn't pretty. 

Potatoes are destined to be a part of the dip/condiment food group. They beg to be dipped.   Does anyone even know what a potato tastes like without something on it?  I've seen salsa, BBQ sauce, mustard, mayo, hummus, ketchup, malt vinegar, hmmm, what else?  I know these because I've done it.  I never eat a potato with enhancement.  And why should I?  There are too many flavors that lend themselves to be in the potato repertoire.

I can eat rice every day with a different dip and it's like a whole 'nuther meal that you never get tired of

Some people are mayo lovers, mayo haters...ah, the Mayo Hater.  I have a friend, Dan, that girl screams when a mayo bottle appears.  "It's the bastard condiment!"  My spiteful side wants to chase him around with it but I let it go to sit and dip french fries in it.  I learned that while working at Wendy's in high school. And that was the mayo that is so greasy it discolors the cup. Perfection. Heaven.

So whatever your flavor, dip or condiment.... EAT IT!

And then there were 4

I'm trying to keep this from being a mom blog.  This is a cooking blog, this is a cooking blog, this is a cooking blog.

But these topics go mano a mano and separating them is like splitting up peanut butter and jelly or Captain and Tennille.  You can't have Captain without Tennille! Otherwise, you'd just have some creepy dude in a white turtleneck allowed to run free.  Gosh, don't they look happy? They were the sweet side of the 70's sound.

But that just ain't me.
I piss and moan, I clean a little less than that and I cook even less than THAT but when I do, by god, it's memorable.  Or not. As I've said before I can dip into a cooking rut like a muskrat lookin' for his 'fraidy hole.
If you live in Missouri, you know what a 'fraidy hole is. Sorry for the vague, or somewhat vulgar sounding, reference to a tornado hidey hole.

Cooking just sucks.  I do it because I have to.  I try to love it.  I promise I've tried but it's work.  When I see a beautiful assortment of God's bounty at the produce stand or organic farm stand I groan with the amount of work that goes into cleaning, cutting, preparing, storing, god forbid CANNING, veggies.  I want a sous chef.  Like any of those fools on FoodTV would cook without a knife wielding genius off camera cutting all their stuff.

My favorite ingredient right now are tortillas.  Holy Robin's Too Tight Tights, those things are so versitle, verstile?, versital? oh...anything can go in 'em!  I've folded them, wrapped them, fried, them, baked them and woe to my poor family for enduring another recipe from 101 Things to Do With a Tortilla.  I wouldn't even call it a recipe more like an idea that I had to make my own.  With cheese. Gotta have cheese.

I don't even take pictures of these things.  They are like the color beige.  Just - too - boring.

BUT now there are 4 of us to feed.  My job just got harder.
Baby food is easy though.  The little chunkers eat about anything and if they don't just dive into the emergency stash of jarred wonders and all is saved! yeah SUPER MOM! For everyone else though it's just not that easy.  Although it should be.

The lure of the Hamburger

First of all, Hankaroosky has an addiction for fast food. I will lay the blame for that right at Daddy's feet.  I throw my hands up on that one and bow deeply.  I dropped an F-bomb the other night when it was mentioned that another Sonic grilled cheese went into Hankaroosky's gullet. Grrrrrr.  When I put forth this much effort on something that I hate to do I better not be thwarted right under my nose.

ok ok so Sonic may not be all that bad - it's white bread and gov't cheese. But still; I have a produce bowl full of great fruits and veggies that gets snarled at because of the lure of the Hamburger. And it's infuriating.

Not to mention the Food Pyramid.  Like I give a crap about it but we have to have something to go on... and adulterate.

There. That's better.

 So this is the Haphazard Cook's struggles.  Cook nice. Be nice. Feed family nice even if they dislike you for it.

Dude.  It's only food. NOW EAT IT!

Is Cereal Cooking?

yes yes yes yes it's been forever since I've posted here!  There has been so many things going on in my life that cooking has taken a back seat much less writing about it.
I'm not exaggerating that my family and I have been eating boxed cereal for dinner a few nights a week - Hank eats well but we don't!
I've been making pancakes of every combination that makes sense for him - pumpkin/cranberry, peach/cinnamon, apple/zucchini...I mean thank God he isn't bored with these because otherwise breakfast and various snacks would be so much more labor.  And they freeze well so I only have to make them once a week!
Unfortunately for G-Dub I've been just making stuff up. He's eaten them even if it wasn't with enthusiasm. He lived to eat another day so I guess it was ok.  Chili with noodles and sweet potato fries - just weird stuff like that.

ok I'll get on it and post soon.  I do have some good stories!

Go ahead and eat it if you can.

Salmonella Soup

It's not that I haven't cooked since February. Just not much that has been Haphazard worthy. Oh wait, those teething bars that were nasty was worthy so I was too lazy to write about the cooking experience.

Long story short, I had to roll out this dough that had molasses in it so it was a lovely shade of poop brown.  Only thing is I don't have a board, I do have an ancient rolling pin believe it or not.  I had to knead it and roll it out on my tile counter top. I found out quick that cold tile makes the dough stick like double sided tape to everything so I really didn't make bars...again, I made blobs.  Never mind that it looked like I needed toilet paper to clean up what was left on the counter.

That was a little while ago and Hank is eating a very good variety of foods.  So much now that I'm having to use my imagination to not give him the  things over and over.  I've got a pretty good hippie dippie cookbook with some recipes that I have had success with but, in the spirit of branching out, I made a fatal error in judgement.  I went out on my own this time.

Usually soups are not that hard.  Put it in the water and boil it. Done.
I thought that since Hank liked the veggie soup at Panera I maybe could mimic it and get him to eat veggies.  While he likes many foods, veggies are elusive unless they are pureed and stirred in yogurt. So there is the inspiration.

I start some store bought veggie broth boiling and add chopped carrots since they would take longest to cook. I cut zucchini and yellow squash then a light bulb blows out in my head and I remember that I have fresh chicken breast in the fridge. YES, I Touch CHICKEN.  It's for Hank because I don't have the mental energy to feed a vegatartian ( I like this typo - it implies that vegetarians are martians) baby and make sure he gets the nutrition he needs. Another sacrifice.  This ranks up there with losing teeth and how grossed out I'm going to be when a tooth is hanging out of his mouth....urp. retch.

Back to the serious business of cooking. I think of the chicken. I don shoulder length plastic gloves and remove the package from the fridge.  No, I'm kidding but I do hold it out in front of me and cut it making sure not to splash chicken juice on anything.  I add these chicken cubes to the pot of boiling broth.

While I was sterilizing the kitchen of even the idea of chicken funk ( throwing boiling water in the counters is a little mess-ay)  I'm thinking that I was maybe supposed to cook the chicken BEFORE adding it to the carrots.  I don't know...was I?  Something just seemed out of order. Seeing carrots and raw, salmonella laden chicken bouncing around in the pot was wrong.  Like a witch's cauldron is wrong. That's what this pot is now. Crap. Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble.

Just like any other time I cook and screw up, just keep going and see what happens. This time I just hope all the gooey bacteria get boiled to obvilion.

I watch it boil for a while, the flesh turns white, things are going ok. But what's that brown stuff floating on top?  Is it all the dead salmonellas?!?  Do I skim it off? The answer is yes and I don't care what it is.

In go the squash and zucchini. Good.  Time to add the frozen green beans. I didn't really think of this but green beans are long, right? These are anyway so how do you cut frozen green beans? Fortunately, they cut easily.  I just didn't want the flying all over the kitchen - beeeoww! I've made a big enough mess and I don't want to smell decaying green bean from behind the stove in a few days.

Almost done.  Add some pinto beans.  I cooked these earlier so it's just to warm them up.
Seasoning consists of turmeric, garlic, ginger.  Whatever sounds good together.  I love turmeric and is good if you have inflammation.

I was so proud of myself - it actually tasted good! OMG, I rock!!  I get a small bowl to cool for Hank.  I present it to him smiling .... he touches it and makes a face that you would have thought I burned him with a hot poker. He drops it piece by piece on the floor. I growl inside and eat the whole pot myself. Awesome.

Are you SURe you don't wanna EAT IT?!? Just EAT it for God's Sake!