[kook-ing]

What better resource to find the definition of cooking than the Urban Dictionary?
I know how I define cooking but lets explore some of the definitions that have NOTHING to do with nourishing a family.


#1

 #1 - I wanna see this dance.  I assume this is different than "Stirring the Pot"

#2 - What I feel like G Dub will say one day after accidentally drinking a fifth of Jack and donning a white wife beater tank top

 #3 - What I feel like I want to do sometimes

 #4 - What I used to DO back in the day

#5 - What I used to BE back in the day


 Then there is this thing that I haven't yet been able to pronounce.  I'm afraid if I said it not all the syllables would come out and I would get accused of trying to be hip and cool when I am clearly not.  Whoever submitted this can't cook either if they are using it for Hamburger Helper.

Don't judge - EAT IT!

Condiment or Condemnants

Don't diss the condiments.

What a complex and thought provoking issue!  Are dips a condiment or vice versa?  They all seem to be a sauce of some sort that add to the pleasure of whatever you are eating.  Is peanut butter a condiment?  Hummus? I've dipped in these AND had them as full meals so what are they exactly? 

They are....... a food group.

I think it might take a degree in Philosophy to argue that but whatever they are....they rock!  Dips or condiments are the spice of life to some of the tasteless veggies and an awesome cover up for some of the most vicious tasting dishes.  Ever seen a family member cover spaghetti noodles in ketchup? I have and after I stopped laughing on the inside I realized that it wasn't pretty. 

Potatoes are destined to be a part of the dip/condiment food group. They beg to be dipped.   Does anyone even know what a potato tastes like without something on it?  I've seen salsa, BBQ sauce, mustard, mayo, hummus, ketchup, malt vinegar, hmmm, what else?  I know these because I've done it.  I never eat a potato with enhancement.  And why should I?  There are too many flavors that lend themselves to be in the potato repertoire.

I can eat rice every day with a different dip and it's like a whole 'nuther meal that you never get tired of

Some people are mayo lovers, mayo haters...ah, the Mayo Hater.  I have a friend, Dan, that girl screams when a mayo bottle appears.  "It's the bastard condiment!"  My spiteful side wants to chase him around with it but I let it go to sit and dip french fries in it.  I learned that while working at Wendy's in high school. And that was the mayo that is so greasy it discolors the cup. Perfection. Heaven.

So whatever your flavor, dip or condiment.... EAT IT!

And then there were 4

I'm trying to keep this from being a mom blog.  This is a cooking blog, this is a cooking blog, this is a cooking blog.

But these topics go mano a mano and separating them is like splitting up peanut butter and jelly or Captain and Tennille.  You can't have Captain without Tennille! Otherwise, you'd just have some creepy dude in a white turtleneck allowed to run free.  Gosh, don't they look happy? They were the sweet side of the 70's sound.

But that just ain't me.
I piss and moan, I clean a little less than that and I cook even less than THAT but when I do, by god, it's memorable.  Or not. As I've said before I can dip into a cooking rut like a muskrat lookin' for his 'fraidy hole.
If you live in Missouri, you know what a 'fraidy hole is. Sorry for the vague, or somewhat vulgar sounding, reference to a tornado hidey hole.

Cooking just sucks.  I do it because I have to.  I try to love it.  I promise I've tried but it's work.  When I see a beautiful assortment of God's bounty at the produce stand or organic farm stand I groan with the amount of work that goes into cleaning, cutting, preparing, storing, god forbid CANNING, veggies.  I want a sous chef.  Like any of those fools on FoodTV would cook without a knife wielding genius off camera cutting all their stuff.

My favorite ingredient right now are tortillas.  Holy Robin's Too Tight Tights, those things are so versitle, verstile?, versital? oh...anything can go in 'em!  I've folded them, wrapped them, fried, them, baked them and woe to my poor family for enduring another recipe from 101 Things to Do With a Tortilla.  I wouldn't even call it a recipe more like an idea that I had to make my own.  With cheese. Gotta have cheese.

I don't even take pictures of these things.  They are like the color beige.  Just - too - boring.

BUT now there are 4 of us to feed.  My job just got harder.
Baby food is easy though.  The little chunkers eat about anything and if they don't just dive into the emergency stash of jarred wonders and all is saved! yeah SUPER MOM! For everyone else though it's just not that easy.  Although it should be.

The lure of the Hamburger

First of all, Hankaroosky has an addiction for fast food. I will lay the blame for that right at Daddy's feet.  I throw my hands up on that one and bow deeply.  I dropped an F-bomb the other night when it was mentioned that another Sonic grilled cheese went into Hankaroosky's gullet. Grrrrrr.  When I put forth this much effort on something that I hate to do I better not be thwarted right under my nose.

ok ok so Sonic may not be all that bad - it's white bread and gov't cheese. But still; I have a produce bowl full of great fruits and veggies that gets snarled at because of the lure of the Hamburger. And it's infuriating.

Not to mention the Food Pyramid.  Like I give a crap about it but we have to have something to go on... and adulterate.

There. That's better.

 So this is the Haphazard Cook's struggles.  Cook nice. Be nice. Feed family nice even if they dislike you for it.

Dude.  It's only food. NOW EAT IT!

Is Cereal Cooking?

yes yes yes yes it's been forever since I've posted here!  There has been so many things going on in my life that cooking has taken a back seat much less writing about it.
I'm not exaggerating that my family and I have been eating boxed cereal for dinner a few nights a week - Hank eats well but we don't!
I've been making pancakes of every combination that makes sense for him - pumpkin/cranberry, peach/cinnamon, apple/zucchini...I mean thank God he isn't bored with these because otherwise breakfast and various snacks would be so much more labor.  And they freeze well so I only have to make them once a week!
Unfortunately for G-Dub I've been just making stuff up. He's eaten them even if it wasn't with enthusiasm. He lived to eat another day so I guess it was ok.  Chili with noodles and sweet potato fries - just weird stuff like that.

ok I'll get on it and post soon.  I do have some good stories!

Go ahead and eat it if you can.

Salmonella Soup

It's not that I haven't cooked since February. Just not much that has been Haphazard worthy. Oh wait, those teething bars that were nasty was worthy so I was too lazy to write about the cooking experience.

Long story short, I had to roll out this dough that had molasses in it so it was a lovely shade of poop brown.  Only thing is I don't have a board, I do have an ancient rolling pin believe it or not.  I had to knead it and roll it out on my tile counter top. I found out quick that cold tile makes the dough stick like double sided tape to everything so I really didn't make bars...again, I made blobs.  Never mind that it looked like I needed toilet paper to clean up what was left on the counter.

That was a little while ago and Hank is eating a very good variety of foods.  So much now that I'm having to use my imagination to not give him the  things over and over.  I've got a pretty good hippie dippie cookbook with some recipes that I have had success with but, in the spirit of branching out, I made a fatal error in judgement.  I went out on my own this time.

Usually soups are not that hard.  Put it in the water and boil it. Done.
I thought that since Hank liked the veggie soup at Panera I maybe could mimic it and get him to eat veggies.  While he likes many foods, veggies are elusive unless they are pureed and stirred in yogurt. So there is the inspiration.

I start some store bought veggie broth boiling and add chopped carrots since they would take longest to cook. I cut zucchini and yellow squash then a light bulb blows out in my head and I remember that I have fresh chicken breast in the fridge. YES, I Touch CHICKEN.  It's for Hank because I don't have the mental energy to feed a vegatartian ( I like this typo - it implies that vegetarians are martians) baby and make sure he gets the nutrition he needs. Another sacrifice.  This ranks up there with losing teeth and how grossed out I'm going to be when a tooth is hanging out of his mouth....urp. retch.

Back to the serious business of cooking. I think of the chicken. I don shoulder length plastic gloves and remove the package from the fridge.  No, I'm kidding but I do hold it out in front of me and cut it making sure not to splash chicken juice on anything.  I add these chicken cubes to the pot of boiling broth.

While I was sterilizing the kitchen of even the idea of chicken funk ( throwing boiling water in the counters is a little mess-ay)  I'm thinking that I was maybe supposed to cook the chicken BEFORE adding it to the carrots.  I don't know...was I?  Something just seemed out of order. Seeing carrots and raw, salmonella laden chicken bouncing around in the pot was wrong.  Like a witch's cauldron is wrong. That's what this pot is now. Crap. Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble.

Just like any other time I cook and screw up, just keep going and see what happens. This time I just hope all the gooey bacteria get boiled to obvilion.

I watch it boil for a while, the flesh turns white, things are going ok. But what's that brown stuff floating on top?  Is it all the dead salmonellas?!?  Do I skim it off? The answer is yes and I don't care what it is.

In go the squash and zucchini. Good.  Time to add the frozen green beans. I didn't really think of this but green beans are long, right? These are anyway so how do you cut frozen green beans? Fortunately, they cut easily.  I just didn't want the flying all over the kitchen - beeeoww! I've made a big enough mess and I don't want to smell decaying green bean from behind the stove in a few days.

Almost done.  Add some pinto beans.  I cooked these earlier so it's just to warm them up.
Seasoning consists of turmeric, garlic, ginger.  Whatever sounds good together.  I love turmeric and is good if you have inflammation.

I was so proud of myself - it actually tasted good! OMG, I rock!!  I get a small bowl to cool for Hank.  I present it to him smiling .... he touches it and makes a face that you would have thought I burned him with a hot poker. He drops it piece by piece on the floor. I growl inside and eat the whole pot myself. Awesome.

Are you SURe you don't wanna EAT IT?!? Just EAT it for God's Sake!

A Haphazard Eureka!

The genius that thought up this zesty treat should have her own CHAPTER in an All Star Classics cookbook.  These are the recipes that are handed down and never get old, never get boring, never fall out of flavor favor. Like spaghetti.  Unfortunately, it isn't a very thick book but it should exist.

These little sickly sweet squares have been on my favorite list since 1980 when my teenage aunt made them for me as my Dad and I set off to move from Missouri to Florida.  It was winter in MO, the drive was 24 hours long, we were loaded to the gills in a tiny truck, my dad was nervous and I was, well, I guess I was, excited. She carefully wrapped in wax paper a new recipe for us to snack on...it was...gasp!...the Rice Crispie Treat!

Alternative names could be Marshmallow Love Squares, Sickening SSSweetness Bars, Sugar Jitters, or just Hand Me That Damn Pan o' Bars Before I Gnaw Off Your Hand.

Goodness gracious, these are on my list of what I can eat till I throw up and not care. Funny thing is, I don't care for any of the three ingredients on their own but when they are morphed into culinary magic I squeal like a little girl in princess shoes.  3 Ingredients!  That's proof that food doesn't have to be complicated to be a masterpiece.

   

   Wow - I need teeth whitener compared to those nasty, fake white marshmallows.

            

 About the only thing marshmallows are good for are crafts since they have a shelf life comparable to a Twinkie.  Should we be eating something that takes YEARS to degrade? Nope.  See? Even my cat won't eat them and he is my Hoover vacuum cleaner!

I took these to the Super Bowl party and, luckily, got to bring most of them back.  I think I found the answer to my potluck dilemma - always bring a dessert that you LOVE because usually people eat too much to eat dessert anyway and you can take it home and and scarf it down!
Problem Solved!

Next cooking dilemma - creativity.  Heehee, this otta be good.

Don't look at me - just EAT IT!

Bad Cooking for Everyone and Fried Banana Blobs

I've taken a little time off to gather a few good stories.  The holidays were not that hectic and I made them that way by not buying many gifts...or cooking.  Unless I had an event that required my participation, cooking sat second fiddle to family and goofing off.  That doesn't mean it was boring around here or anything.

Our first visitors were my Dad and his wife.  Like I've mentioned before he has a restricted diet due to a heart condition and reflux so they mainly ate in their condo to stick to it. Totally understandable. I didn't have to do much other than take them to The Loveless cafe for their week's stay worth of salt and lard.  I tried for a little antioxidants by getting blueberries on my pancakes - whoopie.

Next was Christmas itself.  The food at these family gatherings is slightly unidentifiable or inedible so I eat before I go.  Here's my hubby G Dub doing dishes, isn't that nice?

After Christmas was the last of our visitors, my mom and her husband.  These are always great visits because she WANTS to cook! I usually can't take time off work when she's here so I come home to a fully cooked dinner - OMG, I'm thinking that this is the closest my 'po ass will ever get to a personal chef.  I just sit and eat....ahhhh, luxury. Except for the one night where she took a muscle relaxer then had a beer.

But the food came out ok.

Then came the weeks after New Year and the dreary days of winter get to me so that I get curious and that’s bad.  Considering my cooking ability I should never boldly go where I have never gone before…. but I get so bored.  And I’ve had pizza for 4 meals in a row.  I never ever thought that I’d get tired of pizza but I’d rather starve tonight than look at another piece.  Really I’ve been eating junk for the past few days and nursing makes me CRAVE sugar

( kinda like Will Ferrell in Elf  ) so I need veggies. Stat.

I ventured out and got a plantain. Why? I don't know. I know it's not a veggie but it is something different.  I just thought it was a big unripe banana - well, of course, that's what it is but the texture is wierd.  It's creamier...or something like that.  So I hit the interwebs to find out what to do with it and whether it was ripe or not.  Hell, I've only purposefully overlooked these in the produce aisle!  I found a woman's blog with some Spanish inspired recipes from her family and she makes Plantain Tostones ( http://karmafreecooking.wordpress.com/2008/07/).  Looks easy enough.  Yeah but this is ME cooking. Not her.

I've heard of fried plantain and again it sounds easy.  For these tostones:

1. Peel and slice the plaintain

2. Fry it slightly

3. Mash it flat

4. Fry it again till crispy

5. Sprinkle with salt and eat

This was an easy recipe.  Not counting the three off to the right that I screwed up by accidently turning off the burner when I was mashing so they soaked up too much oil, they don't have much of a taste.  They're sorta like fried cereal box.  I’m not sure I want to waste the calories.  I could have had a pretty fabulous dessert instead. Oh well.  I'm glad the recipe gal likes them though and judging from the comments she got so does everyone else. Hmmmm :-/

Don't feed it to the dog - EAT IT!